If your partner says one or more of these things regularly, you need to have a talk
There
are a lot of phrases that you never want your partner to utter. “We
need to talk” is one that always puts a pit in peoples' stomachs. For
some persons, it's when my boyfriend says “I ate the last of the ice
cream.” But sometimes dreaded phrases can actually be part of a larger
and scarier problem in your relationship.
First,
let me say that mental abuse or threats of physical abuse are never
okay. If your partner's words are becoming abusive, that should not be
tolerated.
That
said, even some seemingly normal phrases are also a bad sign for your
relationship. If your partner is using one or more of these phrases
regularly, it may be time to get help or seriously examine how you both
communicate.
1. “I will never let you
Setting
expectations is key in a relationship. If your partner swears over and
over that they will not screw up or fall short in some way, they're just
plain wrong.
You're
going to screw up and so are they. If they say this, they're setting
expectations no one can keep and maybe even showing that they won't be
so willing to admit their mistakes when they make them.
“Partners
will let each other down because we are human and it happens,”
therapist Karol Ward “Often the hurt is unintentional, but sometimes it
happens out of anger. Stay away from this dramatic promise and it will
give you much more room to be a real person in your relationship.”
2. “You are too emotional.”
When
I hear someone utter this phrase, I get the vision of someone pouring
gasoline on a five-alarm fire: telling someone that they're too
emotional when they're already upset is only going to make things
worse.
Not
only that, if your partner says this to you, they are invalidating your
concerns and making them all about feelings. They are saying to you
that they won't listen when you feel passionately about something and
will dismiss it if they don't like the way you're saying it.
3. “I will stop [drinking, gambling, spending, etc.] for you.”
If your partner has a vice or a toxic habit, they shouldn't promise you that they'll quit it “for you.”
For
one, any end of a bad habit should be for life. Not all relationships
last and life choices shouldn't be hanging in the balance based on a
relationship status.
“While
the fear of losing someone may prompt this promise, it will never
work,” Ward said. “You can only stop these behaviours for yourself and
not for someone else.”
And
if they fall off the wagon, then their failure becomes a breaking of
your trust and can be seen as them not “caring enough” about you to stop
doing it.
4. “It's either me or the ...”
Ultimatums
are extreme and should really only be used in extreme circumstances. If
you're at risk of hurting yourself or someone else with your behaviour,
then your partner might be justified in employing this tactic.
But
if they're throwing down the gauntlet saying that you need to choose
them over your dog/alone time/family all of the time, then that's a sign
of an unhealthy relationship and that they want to control you.
5. “You have to do ...”
We've
all been guilty of asking our partners to do silly or annoying things
for us. But your partner should not be issuing demands of you all of the
time.
If they really need something done, it should come in the form of a question with demands reserved for emergencies only.
“I
want to be clear on this: Adults do not tell other adults what to do,”
counsellor Hayden Lindsey “Unless you are in an explicitly hierarchical
relationship (boss/employee) then you have no business telling a grown
man or woman how to behave.
“If one partner is trying to control the other, it is not an environment where love and health can flourish,” Lindsey added.
6. “I hate you.”
We
all say things we don't mean when we're angry. But if your partner
calls their affection for you into question all of the time or tells you
that they actually hate you, that can be a huge red flag.
“It’s
easy to lash out in the heat of the moment and say hurtful things you
regret,”Jonathan Bennett, a counsellor and author of the site The
Popular Man, “However, expressing hatred towards your significant other
is not something he or she will ever forget and it can poison the
relationship.”
7. “We're over.” (If they don't mean it)
The only time you should hear the words “it's over” should be when the relationship is really and truly over.
If
your partner is invoking a “break-up” or threatening to end it with you
over a simple argument, they're willing to make you feel unsafe in the
relationship. They are showing you that they don't care if they hurt you
or risk you saying, “Okay yeah, we are over,” as long as they get the
upper hand.
“While
breakups do happen, if you have no intent to leave, you should never
threaten your partner with a break up to get your way,” Bennett said.
“Fear of losing someone you love is very powerful and threats like that
can create anxiety and depression, especially if your partner has
abandonment issues or other mental health problems.”
No comments:
Post a Comment